Boyfriend Beatings
by WizMonCruWil
Summary: All the times Luke protected Rory from her boyfriends, like a father would his daughter. Enjoy!
1. Dean

**Dean**

Luke was just about to get Rory strawberries on a beautiful morning in his Diner when he happened to glance out the window. Oh no... Luke saw him coming down the street. With that smug little grin, and completely unconcerned about what he had done to Rory, the pride and joy of Stars Hollow. Frowning, Luke stalked outside. He held up a hand as he headed into the street. "Stop right there."

"What?"

"Where are you going?"

"To... get coffee?" Dean trailed off, confused.

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"Not going in there, buddy."

"What are you talking about?"

"Turn around, Bag Boy."

Dean gawked. "Are you serious?"

"You see a smile on this face?" Luke deadpanned.

"No, but what's different about that?" Dean cracked.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's just you're not exactly known as the town crack-up," and Dean tried to move past him. Luke pushed his hands into Dean's chest to halt him.

"So you're a smart guy right now, huh?" Luke turned Dean away.

Dean awkwardly laughed. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Just exercising my right not to serve."

"What are you talking about?" Dean's voice rose in anger. "I'm not even inside yet."

And that's when the fight began. Dean tried to duck under Luke's arm, but Luke held him back. They got tangled up.

"Let go of me!"

"You first!" Luke goaded, a little flustered.

Meanwhile, Rory and Lorelai were inside the diner, having no idea of the awkward brawl happening just outside the door. Right outside the window beside their table, in fact. Luke now had Dean in a headlock. Lorelai finally noticed and spat out her coffee. "Oh my God!"

"What...? Oh my God!" Rory followed her mother as the girls raced outside.

"Hey, hey, hey! Cut it out! Break it up! You! Back off!" Lorelai pulled Luke and Dean apart. "What do you think you're doing?" she reprimanded Luke.

"He started it!"

"What?"

"He was coming in!"

"Are you a lunatic? He's sixteen!"

"Well, what was I supposed to do?"

"Well, stand in the middle of the street and have a slap fight, of course! Come here!" And Lorelai led Luke away. As Dean made to slink away, Luke tried to barrel down on him from the diner doorway, only to have Lorelai drag him back in like he was a wayward dog. "Get inside! Now!"

"He started it..." Luke whined.


	2. Jess

**Jess**

Rory headed into the Diner one morning, just after the Stars Hollow Dance Marathon. After an awkward interaction with Kirk, Luke approached her.

"So..."

"So..." she echoed.

"It's nice to see you, Rory."

"It's nice to see you too, Luke."

A pause. "So, table for one?"

"I'll just sit at the counter."

"OK. What can I get ya?"

"I guess I'll have a cheeseburger."

Just then, Jess walked in. The teenagers regarded each other silently.

"Hey, Jess, look who's here! Rory!" Luke prompted, as if he was engaging a five-year-old.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Oh well. "OK, time to add another word. Jess, you want something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry," he mumbled.

"Oh, I'm not hungry either." Rory concurred.

"What about the burger?" Luke asked.

"Well... could you wrap it up? I'm gonna eat it later. I actually prefer burgers after they've been sitting around for a while. Let's them age."

"OK." Luke gave Jess a side-eye and headed to the back.

* * *

Minutes later, up in the loft, Jess and Rory were just about to kiss when -

BANG! Luke burst in. The teenagers jumped apart.

"I... got the burger," Luke announced.

"Thank you!" Rory yelped, snatching it.

"I was just doing some frying."

"Fries. Great. I love fries. OK," Rory rambled. "Jess... thank you for your... um... I gotta go!" She fled. Luke closed the door to the loft and rounded on his nephew.

"What was going on up here?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing!" Luke replied sarcastically. "I walk in here, the two of you are like shrapnel!"

"Your timing's perfect, by the way. Next time, I'll hang a sock on the door," Jess noted.

"Hey! There will be no hanging of socks on the door in my house! Do you hear me?!"

"Relax, I was kidding."

"Oh, really? Hanging socks on doors. That's your idea of funny?"

"Depending on the sock design, could be hilarious."

"OK, that's it - sit down!"

"Why?"

"It's time we laid down a few ground rules. Sit!"

Jess lowered himself into a chair. Luke began:

"First off, when she is up here, that door stays open."

"Excuse me?" Jess gawked.

"You are not allowed on either end of this apartment. You are, instead, to remain here in the middle portion of the room. You may sit on the couch or on the chair, as long as you two are sitting on separate seats, i.e. when you're on the couch, then she's on the chair. When she's on the couch, then you're on the chair."

"I get it, thank you!" Jess snapped.

"On weekdays, you will have her home by nine. On weekends, you will have her home by eleven. Any evidence of alcohol, cigarette smoke, or anything else that Nancy Reagan would find unacceptable and you will not be allowed near her without an adult present. Are these rules clear?"

"Yes."

"Good!"

"May I speak?"

"If you must..."

"Do you want me to have you committed or would you prefer to check yourself in?"

"I'm not joking here, mister." Luke crossed to the fridge.

"You know you're my guardian and not hers, right?"

"You don't need the guardian."

"She tried to kiss me," Jess explained.

"Jess..."

"She did that thing where you... stretch and then you put the arm around the other person's shoulder and then you sneeze, and your hand falls and you try to grab..."

"Jess! Stop it!"

"What do you think is gonna happen?" Jess challenged.

"You know what I think is gonna happen!"

"No, I don't," Jess feigned ignorance. "Tell me. Tell me what... I'm gonna do to her."

"You're not gonna do anything to her, because when you're at her place, there's Lorelai, and when you're here, there's me, and when you're out there - there's Taylor!"

"Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, ya know?"

"Soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, I'll get worried, until then - do your homework!" Luke left the loft smirking.

* * *

That night, Jess had left the diner to get a part for his car. Rory had left dinner at _Luke's_ to go studying. Luke was chatting with Lorelai, explaining his system for the young teenagers in love and sounding very pleased with himself as he vowed to watch them "every second they are together."

"You know, they're together now." Lorelai observed.

"What?"

"Oh, yeah. I have to go get a part for my car? I have to go studying? That's Kid Talk for 'Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle!'"

"You're kidding me, right?" Luke stared. "You don't really think..." He did the math. "Damn it! They are! They're together! They used the Kid Code and now they're together!"

"It's OK, Luke..."

"'It's OK, Luke'? They are out there, doing God-knows-what, completely unsupervised! How did you let this happen?"

"Me?"

"Yes, you! I thought you were against this!"

"I thought you were all, like, 'This is great, and Rory's gonna change Jess!'"

"What, is she gonna become a miracle worker? Come on, Lorelai, wake up! The guy's trouble! I have to find them... CAESAR! I'll be back in a little while!" He headed for the door.

"You're seriously gonna run all over town looking for Jess and Rory?" Lorelai gawked.

"If I have to, yes, and if you were really a good mother, you'd go out there with me!" Luke snapped.

"Oh... I can't do that, but if you like, I'll let you sniff Rory's sweater. Maybe her scent will help you track them down!"

"The things you find amusing _astound_ me sometime!" Luke stared. He paused before taking Rory's sweater off the back of the chair she vacated.

"You're not really gonna sniff it?"

"No, it's cold out! She might need it!" And Luke stalked off into the night.


	3. Logan

**Logan**

"I think we need to talk," Luke told Lorelai as he followed her down the halls.

"I know, I know, I just…. let me try to find…" Lorelai promised, too busy on searching for her missing daughter in the middle of this wedding renewal that her parents had thrown together to think about what he was telling her. Trying the very next door, she walked in as Rory and some blonde guy jumped apart. Lorelai paused to collect herself. "Grandma wants a picture."

"Of this?" Rory practically squeaked.

"Rory, what are you doing?"

"Mom…."

"You're at your grandparents wedding…. renewal…. vow…. thing, whatever! They're right out there! God, Rory, I swear!"

"Rory?" Christopher's voice could be heard coming down the hall. Before Lorelai could stop him, he appeared in the doorway. "OK, don't, Chris, it's all right…."

Too late. Christopher's eyes had set on the blonde interloper. "What the hell are you doing in here with my daughter?" Chris asked, his chirpy voice barely masking a dangerous fury.

"I…." the blondie tried to stammer out.

"You stay away from her….. That is my daughter! I will kick your ass! I will kick your ass, you little weasel!"

"All right…." Lorelai pulled Chris away before he could go for the blonde and threw him out of the room before following him. "Get out!"

"What the hell's going on?!" Luke asked, from where he had waited for Lorelai.

"Who's that guy, Lorelai?" Chris demanded.

"Christopher, calm down! You're drunk!"

"Calm down?! There's a guy in there pawing my daughter!"

"What guy? There's a guy in there with Rory?!" Luke acted without thinking. He charged into the room; Lorelai could do nothing to stop him.

"Oh my God, Luke….." she cried, mortified as she ran after him.

"HEY! GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER; I MEAN IT! RIGHT NOW! HANDS IN THE AIR! I WANT TO SEE HANDS IN THE AIR!" Luke continued with his verbal abuse and promises to kill that hooligan even as Lorelai now threw him out of the room, too.

"Out!" the mother bellowed, slamming the door and locking it. She turned to the teenagers. "I think you'd guys better use the back way out of here," she suggested as diplomatically as she could.

"But, Dad…. Luke…." Rory yelped, indicating the raised voices of the two men just outside the door.

"I will take care of Dad and Luke," Lorelai promised. "Please go. Now!"

Rory left, leaving Lorelai to deal with her boyfriend.

"You must be Logan. I'm Lorelai," she smiled icky-poo sweetly.

"Nice to meet you," Logan helplessly, sheepishly, shrugged, even as he listened to not one, but _two_ men – Rory's father and…. stepfather, maybe? - arguing over who would have the pleasure of burying him six feet under and dancing a jig on his grave.

"I'm gonna kill him!"

"No, _I'm_ gonna kill him!"

"I'd better….." Logan mumbled.

"Yeah," Lorelai nodded, and Logan ducked away.

* * *

Later, Rory looked at her mother sheepishly. "Are we okay? I mean, that wasn't exactly my proudest moment."

"Aw, honey. You're the daughter of a woman who has had no end of less than proud moments. Don't worry."

"Luke was so mad."

"That's because to Luke, you are still ten years old wearing feathered angel's wings going door-to-door inviting people to a caterpillar's funeral."

Rory gawked. "Oh, now, I did that once."

"Luke is fine."

"I hope so."


End file.
